So Superman, Archie, and Jesus Walk Into A Bar…

Yesterday, I held a poll asking which character has had more stories written about them – Archie, Superman, or King Arthur?  This generated a lot of interesting discussion.  But in remembering the conversation, I phrased the question slightly wrong:
Mike did not argue that “Superman has had more stories written about him than any other character.”
Mike argued that “Superman has had more adventures than any other character.”
Now that’s a different kettle of fish.
Then again, once we start unpacking the whole “Who has the most stories written about them?” then we start analyzing what a story is, which makes this a really fascinating question.  Because there are a whole bunch of considerations to Mike’s question that really flavor how it works.  Let’s look at them:
Breadth of Adventure.  
While there are a lot of stories told about Jesus and King Arthur, they tend to be the same stories recycled in only slightly different forms – which makes them going on the same adventure over and over again.
Which is not to say that Superman is immune!  Baby Superman has the same adventure leaving Krypton over and over again, and much the same adventure in meeting Lex Luthor for the first time, and much the same adventure in that one time he had to save Lois after she investigated some angry mobsters.  There’s a lot of recycling in any comic book canon.
By these standards, Archie, lacking an origin story or recurring villains per se, may have even more adventures.  Sure, they’re very similar adventures (who will he date, Betty or Veronica? Uh-oh, he’s in trouble with the Bee again), but they are separate.  Then again, Archie was never turned into a giant golden ape by Red Kryptonite.
Depth of Fandom.
Harry Potter was mentioned repeatedly as something who’s arguably had more adventures, and this is where Archie falls behind.  On FanFiction.net, you’ll find hundreds of thousands of Harry Potter stories, lots of Superman stories (mostly Smallville), and pretty much no Archie stories.
People like Archie, but they’re just not invested in the mythology to create their own.  Certain fandoms inspire a lot of mucking around in the universe, and certain fandoms don’t.  Judging by the “self-created” stories, Archie falls far behind on any measure; yes, they can churn out twenty original stories a month, but a good fandom can do that without blinking.
Access To Technology/Length of Fandom.  
…that said, it’s not like King Arthur and the Greek and Roman Gods didn’t have a lot of adventures told about them.  Just not all of them survived.  It’s vital to remember that before Gutenberg created his crazy little press, storytelling was primarily vocal, and not recorded anywhere.  Yes, storytellers often told the “classics,” but I find it hard to believe that kids didn’t tell new stories with the same old heroes over campfires… Some of which, if they became popular enough to survive over the years, made it into the “official” canon, but most of which we never saw.
Tales told over campfires by illiterates don’t last, no matter how brilliantly told they may be.  (And one has to assume that given there often wasn’t much to do but think during the menial tasks of the day, some of that storytelling had to have been fantastically honed.)
Then again, the ancients were never in a space where a) their kids had this much free time, and b) could all be collected into one place where they could read the fanfic of people all over the world, inspiring and egging each other on.
So I’m not sure how much length counts.  We have a much more massive population now, and more communication.  It’s entirely possible that the amount of Harry Potter output actually has overtaken the original tales of the Greek mythos.
What Is A “Story”?  What is an “Adventure”?
Does a one-panel Archie gag count as a story?  What about a coloring book scene, where Superman is putting out a volcano?  What about some Mary Sue story, where the goal is to make Harry fall in love with a thinly-veiled version of the story’s writer?
Clearly, the characters are affected by these moments (even if it’s just “Archie falls prey to wily Jughead’s pun”), but is that a tale?  How’s that work?  Is it an “adventure” when the whole point of the story is that Watson’s cock winds up in Sherlock Holmes’ mouth?
And how far afield does one have to go before a the new details added to a retelling becomes a separate adventure?  If you turn Lex Luthor from a mad scientist into a greedy businessman, is that a new adventure?  Clearly Marion Zimmer Bradley’s take on King Arthur is a different adventure, but is Prince Valiant still King Arthur or has he become something else entirely?  When does it diverge sufficiently to become something new?
How does one delineate?
The Mythos
Superman’s not just Superman – he hangs out with a lot of friends.  So is it a separate story every time he shows up in the Justice League, or hangs around with Batman in a supporting role?  (I’d argue yes, but still.)  Likewise, the Greek and Roman pantheons are always hanging around each other, interfering and getting tangled up.
If you hang with a big pack of friends, you’re going to have more adventures.  Sorry, Jesus.
The Finality
With all that in mind, I’m going to agree with my friend Mike and say that based on the word “adventures,” I will proclaim him correct – Superman has had the most adventures.  But feel free to shill for your guy in the comments and explain why you think X has had more adventures.

The Fleshlight: A Review

On Friday, I posted a link to the Zombie Fleshlights, and in the comments a number of people asked, “I mean, how good can the Fleshlight be, anyway?”
I figured I might as well tell you.  I mean, I do own one.  I don’t use it much, but you should know why.  So, as with most sexy things I’m doing these days, I posted an essay over at FetLife (the Facebook for kinksters!) that you can go read, assuming you want a surfeit of personal details.  Here’s the opening, if you’re curious:

If you’re looking for a vagina in a can, the Fleshlight allows you to pork your portable pussy in a properly perky procedure. But it’s not until you explode into delight into an artificial mouth that you realize just how convenient it is having an actual girl attached to the vagina.
Because the thing about having sex with a girl is that when you’re done, she nips off to the bathroom to tidy up, and then all of those helpful organs and biological processes take care of the rest. The Fleshlight, being an inert mass of food-grade (GAH!) polymers, merely sits there, leaving your semen to a) drool back out onto the floor, or b) sit inside its enfolded interior until it congeals, rots, merges with a new form of germ to gain sentience, and then slither up your cock the next time you stick it in side to lay eggs and give birth to the new army of manborg sex toys. Awkward.

Anyway, if you want to see it, signing up for FetLife is free, and as an added bonus, you can friend Poppy Z. Brite over there and see his writings, which are phenomenal.  Just make sure to tell me where you know me from if you friend me, so I can associate LJ names with Fet names.  Danke!

Placeholder

I was hoping to post my thoughts on the Gay In YA today, then realized I owed an essay to someone else that I had promised a long time ago.  So that’ll have to wait for Monday.
In the meantime, you know about Fleshlights, don’t you? Those male sex toys that are the size of a large flashlight so you can insert your – well, anyway, they now have Halloween-themed versions in Zombie, Frankenstein and Alien versions, among others. (This isn’t unusual for them – they also, infamously, came out with the double-clitorised Na’vi Fleshlight.)
I wonder how many of these will be gotten as joke gifts for friends. And then how many in, the wake of a lonely night spent drinking, will quietly be unwrapped from the packages as some horny college kid looks at his fake zombie pussy and realizes just how low his life is about to sink….

A Brief Plug For A Book, Newly Cheap

A while back, I reviewed my friend Sara Harvey‘s “Convent of the Pure.”  You can read the review here, where I said, “The best part about Convent is the very real, very sexy, and very tender relationship between a woman and the lover she can no longer have. While Portia is battling succubi and demons and mad scientists, the heart of the story is about two women who love each other so deeply that they’re trying to stay together even after life itself.”
Well, Sara’s novel is now only 99 cents on Kindle for a limited period of time, so if that sounds interesting to you – I mean, hey, it’s a buck.  Why not try it out?  I liked it, and I find it hard to turn up almost any decent read for just under a dollar.  Check it out.

I'm Not IT

A friend of mine has an insanely good idea – she’s holding an IT reunion party, since (as all good Stephen King fans know), the next anniversary of Derry’s 27-year cycle is coming up next year on May 30th.  So why not get the Losers’ Club together and play our assigned roles?
Naturally, I called Stuttering Bill Denbrough – the famous writer, the noble man, the man who’s just awesome.  But as I said, “I’m requesting Bill, but frankly I suspect I’m gonna wind up as Richie.”
The response: “You are just so totally Richie.”
Know Your Role, Steinmetz!  Wacka, wacka, wacka.  And now I do the dance of crazy for your amusement!