A Thank-You Letter To The People On The Other Side Of My Lovers

One of the things hardly anybody talks about in poly is when your lover comes to you, crying, because their other partner just hurt them.
Shit gets surreal, because it’s time for you to play therapist.  And you’re not in a mood to play therapist, because the woman you love is upset because someone who’s Not You has just done something spectacularly shitty.  Your initial instinct is not “Well, let’s try to figure out what s/he really meant” but to drive over and punch him (or her) in the face for being such a meaniepants.
But no.  Part of a good polyamorous relationship is supporting your partner in their other relationships.  So you take a deep breath, and sit down, and talk it through with them.
And it sucks.
Because you know, relationship talks aren’t fun ever.  But at least when they’re about what you’re doing, it’s got some kind of easy benefit to it: when this is done, we’ll be happier together.  Whereas relationship talks with your lover about her lover’s foibles are exasperating, because the best reward at this point for success is that she keeps staying with a partner you’re not even sure she should be dating.
Fixing other relationships is also a bit of a trigger for most folks.  Because yeah, you know she loves you.  But there’s something about seeing her so upset about this other lover that makes you realize exactly how much this other person means to her… And there’s always that little tickle of, “If she cares that much, how can she have room left for me?”
The temptation is to go, “Just dump him.”  But no.  Instead, you wind up doing that one thing that’s harder than anything else – being fair.  Trying to separate what s/he meant from what s/he actually said.  Getting past this initial shock of pain and anger to try to figure out whether the sin is forgivable.  Sifting through past actions to try to anticipate what comes next to see whether the future will be acceptable.
For a guy who, at this moment, you don’t like all that much.
And all the while you’re hoping you don’t have to lead a horse to water, because if this relationship is truly broken, and you say, “You need to dump them” and God forbid it works out, sometimes they remember that.  You’ve seen other poly relationships where “You told me to dump him/her!” became a battleground later on as proof that you don’t really care.
No, you need to be supportive.  Remind them that dumping is an option.  Perhaps a strong one, if it’s that bad.  And swallow back that worry that if worst comes to worse and you have to say, “Look, I can’t deal with all the uproar this guy in your life causes any more, you gotta choose between him or me,” that she’s willing to choose you.
But getting her to dump them is not your main goal.  Your main goal is making her happy, and in that moment you envy all those poly couples who have a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy where you never cross the streams, but that’s not you.  She shares all the relevant bits of her life with you, and you want her happy (which she is, when this other relationship is functioning properly), so you bite back the snarkier comments and talk her through things like a goddamned grownup.
You fix ALL the things.  And she goes off to talk with her other lover, and you lean back wondering whether you’ve done the right thing.
You have.  It’s an act of charity and love, expending your time and energy to help patch up her other relationships.  It’s an act of mature love that goes beyond the greediness of “This is mine” and into what I’d consider to be the true polyamory of not just tolerating your partner’s other lovers, but actively supporting and encouraging a fullness of life and love and happiness.
It ain’t easy, though.  I know; I’ve done it for Gini, and I’m sorry to say I’ve done that to other people when my own poly-intentions have slipped a bit, and Gini’s had to play psychiatrist for me more than once.
So this is my thank-you letter for everyone who pitches in when the other partners cause stress, the quiet support behind the curtain.  You’re why the good poly relationships work.  And you don’t get acknowledged nearly enough.