How We Operate

Gini and I, in bed: “Could you scratch my back?”
*Gini scratches.  I purr.*
“Mmm.  The Empire Scratches Back.”
“That’s a much gentler sequel.”
*I pause.*  “Does Darth Vader even have fingernails on his gloves?”
“No.”
“Then he couldn’t scratch anyone’s back.”
“No, no, he could use the Force.”
“I don’t think he has that kind of control.  He can choke you, but that’s blunt trauma.  Being able to rip off a piece of machinery isn’t the same as scratching a back; it’s like saying hitting someone with a baseball bat is the same as scratching your back.”
“Well, okay… no, wait.  The Emperor releases Luke’s handcuffs in Return of the Jedi.  So Vader could…”
“I don’t think that’s fine manipulation.  He’s hitting a button on the handcuffs, not picking the lock.”
“Handcuffs are springing loose!  Are you telling me that the Emperor put Luke in cuffs that he could free himself from by hitting a button?”
“Well… Darth did.”
“Okay, point.  But still.  Hitting a small button is fine manipulation.  The Emperor can scratch someone’s back with the Force, so Darth can.”
*I get up on one elbow.*  “The Emperor also has force lightning!  He’s way better at the Force than Vader.”
“You asked whether Darth Vader could scratch a back!  He’s got the Force!”
“That’s not the way the Force works!”  *We giggle from laughter at referencing the Force Awakens.* “But seriously, we’re debating whether Darth Vader could scratch someone’s back, using the powers he’s known to have.  He’s known to be way worse than the Emperor at the Force. Just because the Emperor can do it doesn’t mean that Vader could scratch someone’s back with the Force.”
“Jesus, you… all right, fine.  What about the prequels?”
“Do we have to go there?”
“There’s that scene in Attack of the Clones where Anakin lifts an apple off the table and carves it.”
“Does he carve it?  I remember him just picking it up.  If he’s tossing it around like a baseball, that doesn’t indicate he can scratch a back.”
“No, I’m pretty sure he carves it.  Hang on, lemme bring up YouTube.  And… oh, man, there’s a lot of videos here.”
“Oh, it’s a pear!  He eats a pear!”
“But all these videos are music videos, and none of them seem to have the scene where he cuts it in mid-air.  Just videos where Padme looks like a total doof as he steals her pear.”
“Okay, goddammit, let’s go downstairs and get Attack of the Clones out.”
*Fifteen minutes later, after we’ve turned on the television and scanned to the scene*
“Well, that settles it, Gini.  You were right.  Anakin slices up a pear in mid-air, so Darth Vader could definitely scratch a man’s back with the Force.”
“…you realize we were supposed to be having sex now, right?”
“Yuuuup.”