Hello. I Have A Penis. Are You Turned On Yet?

My penis can even be erect for you! I mean, that’s gotta set me apart, right?

No? But wait, there’s more! My penis (erect) likes to receive blowjobs! That’s a helluva draw, I know.

But this penis – which, just to remind you, I am currently in possession of – can also be inserted into your vagina, ladies! In fact, in addition to my penis-delivery methods, I can also give you graphic details of all the ways I would like my penis to intersect with your body!

No, I won’t check to see if you’d like those penile intrusions. Why would I? If I’m turned on, you must be. That’s the way arousal works.

Just so you can verify the ownership of this penis, I have several options to send you photos of it, which I will whether you asked for them or not:

• Penis in a bathroom
• Penis next to a beer can or flashlight
• Penis with a hand gripping the base so the penis looks bigger.

So act now, to get a penis! I’ll deliver! Or, more actually, I’ll probably just talk a lot about delivering and then chicken out and masturbate to pictures of you, then ghost. But that’s okay, because it’s satisfying to me. And therefore you.

(WARNING: The owner of the penis makes no promises as to his ability to maintain an erection, maintain interest in a woman when he has no erection, maintain a safe operating environment for any woman engaged in isolated activities with him, maintain a healthy emotional distance where he won’t fuck you once and then get murderously jealous of everyone else in your life regardless of your requests for him to leave, maintain a washed physical form, maintain a job, maintain ethical integrity with regards to the spouse he’s probably not mentioning, maintain his mansplaining ascertainment, maintain his secrecy with regards to any photos you may send him, or maintain the rains on the plain in Spain. Please take penis as directed. Do not taunt happy fun penis or he might just up and strangle you. For real.)